We just came back from a hike at Sunol, our annual pilgrimage to the wilderness where we scattered Lallie's ashes 3 years ago. We hiked these trails so many times together, that every stone and every tree bring back countless happy memories. She would jump in and out of the creek, wait for us in the shade of an oak tree, and run blissfully through the large open space where ground squirrels would sound their alarm calls at her sight and dive in their holes. And we had "our" tree where we would rest on top of the trail and enjoy the magnificent views. This was one of our happiest places.
After 3 years, tears are still rolling down my cheeks at her memory. I still miss her enormously and hurt like she just left. I thought time was healing... Could it be that I am not only grieving her absence, but also hurting about the lack of love/connection/attachment from Skye?
Don't get me wrong, I love Skye and will do anything for her, but she is a difficult dog who adds lots of stress and worries to our life. Although I am the person whom she is the most bonded with, she is still often suspicious of me or my intentions (not only in things like the collar training, but also in some simple games). She does come for pets and attention, but it's not often, on her terms, and always short. Of course, Lallie didn't grow up in a meat farm nor have any of the trauma Skye is carrying, and I should not even try to compare them. But part of me wants to be loved, not just give love, but get some of the unconditional love that dogs are so good at giving. It sounds really selfish to say and probably is, but this is what I started to realize today when sitting under "our" tree.